Thursday morning I had an appointment to see my midwife.I had been offered the option of having all my ante natal appointments at home,but I declined. My midwife works in the community out of several doctor's surgeries, and I know I rarely visit my doctor, but I can't put off going to the surgery forever can I?
The waiting room is tiny. I walked in, and there was a face I recognised from school. Someone I've often exchanged "hellos" with, though not since Florence was born.
She immediately spotted the green maternity notes in my hand, or maybe she spotted my bump. She grinned so hard at me. I smiled, but I was terrified (and a little ashamed.)
I told the receptionist I was there to see the midwife...there is no privacy in that room.
The nice lady from school asked me when I was due, and told me she was due soon after.
I sat down, tried to ignore the radio which was playing some stupid love song, bit my lip hard and tried not to cry.
Finally in the safety of the exam room with my midwife, I started to relax. We chatted about the inquest, and she immediately put me at ease.
Then it was time to listen in to baby. I climbed on the couch, and after a few moments, there it was, a little heartbeat. M, my midwife smiled. I think I said, "so I have been feeling something then?"
BUT...I didn't feel relief, or excitement or anything much. I didn't cry.
I left the surgery and called Woody on my mobile. I chatted about the waiting room, about how M had agreed with me on a certain subject to do with the inquest, and finally he interrupted and said "did you hear a heartbeat?"...."yes"
I told him to put the kettle on, I'd be home in a moment.
