I dreamed about Florence last night. She was dressed in a pretty pastel sleepsuit, and looked so beautiful. I was holding her, I could feel her weight in my arms, but she was sleeping deeply, and was so quiet, she didn't want to feed. Suddenly she was gone, and I was looking for her in a cupboard full of pastel coloured boxes, but all I could find in there were dolls, and doll parts. I couldn't find her, but was frantic because she hadn't had a feed.
It's been a tough week. Wednesday was the inquest. The flashbacks had become more frequent in the run up, and I was feeling pretty low last week, but I also just wanted the inquest over with.
We were not quite sure where we were going. Funny how you can live somewhere for so long and not realise a building you've walked past hundreds of times is a building you might one day visit.
When we arrived, we were met in the waiting room by my lovely midwife, and the paediatrician that treated Florence and has been such a support over the past few months. There was also the pathologist, and another midwife who had come to support my midwife. Friendly faces.
The usher went through his list of attendees. I told him I was Florence's mother. The words caught in my throat and the sobs took over. I hate crying like that, but was soon ok.
We were taken upstairs to the court room. A large Victorian room, with huge windows through which the sound of the very busy road outside could be heard. I couldn't help noticing how the ugly modern office furniture sat so awkwardly in such a large an imposing room.
Woody and I held hands as we listened to the statements from everyone involved. Re living Florence's birth and death over and over from different perspectives. That was hard. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes.
Nothing new was discovered, as expected. We did find out that the staff at our local hospital were advised by the large children's hospital to withdraw treatment at 10.30, but the doctors continued for eight more minutes.
I was also relieved to hear from two statements how Florence was still alive when she was placed in my arms.
She was so very still, I'd never been sure if she'd already gone,but two paediatricians stated that Florence died in my arms. She was safe.
She stayed in mine or Woody's arms all that day.
The final cause of death is recorded as Massive Pulmonary Heamorrhage due to Natural Causes.
We'll ever know what those natural causes were.
