Although that's not strictly true, I can almost feel Florence sleeping on my shoulder, as I've said before. I do feel like I carry her "spirit" (for want of a better word) with me always,but how can I not? I grew her deep inside me for so long.we shared dreams,emotions,nutrition,blood...
I don't believe in angels, I don't believe Florence is in heaven with Jesus. I guess what I do believe (again, maybe not quite the right word) is that her body is nourishing the soil around her, the earth is enveloping her and absorbing her back to nature. Meanwhile the essence of her is in mine and Woody's and the children's hearts.
One day last week after a sleepless, tearful night,I stood in the shower and the sun was just coming up. the light from the breaking dawn flooded my bathroom, and my heart. I even felt myself smiling.
Later that day Angus was thrilled to find a ladybird hitching a ride on his shoe.
The next day walking home from school, through the trees on the playing fields I spotted a beautiful rainbow. It hadn't been raining.(When I told Woody later he said it must have been a proper magic one with a pot of gold...sarcastic bugger!)
Then I found another ladybird on my bathroom window.
Yesterday while visiting Florence's grave, the wind blew and a million fluttering golden leaves rained down like confetti, glistening in the autumn sun, it was breathtaking.
And another ladybird had this time hitched a ride on Sid's trouser leg.
Writing this down seems kinda ridiculous,my rational brain doesn't believe in signs.
I know that Ladybirds have recently hatched and are looking for places to overwinter, our bathroom faces east and so the dawn light fills it every morning, it must have rained somewhere for there to be a rainbow, and leaves fall every Autumn.
I don't believe these things are a sign from my baby,but I do take comfort in nature, and knowing that in a very tiny way,she is nourishing the Earth.
A rainbow from July.
