I've started this post many times, and then hit delete. I'm not quite sure I can sort through my thoughts on this subject in any way that makes sense,but it's something I keep coming back to. I keep wondering, "Did I know?"
Is a mothers instinct so strong that I could've known Florence was not going to make it?
Is it possible that maybe in some cellular way my body knew from her body that she wasn't going to live?
I know it's not a question anyone can answer.Even if they could, it wouldn't make any difference.
I often go over conversations I had with people while pregnant, just innocent small talk, but I can pin point several times when I was asked about my expanding bump when I had a feeling of "something" not being quite right.
I visualised Florence's birth, and she was born just as I imagined. I remember holding her and thinking how silly I was to have had those feelings.
Of course, even if I had taken the instinctive feelings I was having while pregnant seriously, and told my midwives, nothing untoward would have been found. I had a super healthy pregnancy and Florence was lively with a good beating heart right up until the placenta came away.
Any woman who has grown a baby inside knows how deep that connection to their child is. I've known all of my babies before they were born.
Florence's name came to me in an early morning half dream when I was only ten weeks pregnant. I woke up saying to myself "Florence Violet".
I know that had she lived, I would've forgotten those feelings I had , or I would have at least thought how silly I was to be so paranoid. I would've just put it down to pregnancy, hormones, a mother's worry.
I can't help wondering though, and there are no answers.
